Dear betterhalf:
I have a story to tell you
I met this woman.
her name is Amy.
She's my yoga instructor.
From the first moment I looked into her eyes I knew she was special. I wasn't sure in what capacity I would know her but I knew that there was something about her that I couldn't escape from. Like when you meet someone for the first time and it's like you've known each other in a different life. The connection is just there. yea It was like that. I wanted to be near her all the time. She is a beautiful soul. something I haven't felt or seen in somebody in my adult age for such a long time. The closest thing for me is my good friend lisa rose from camp vega but she was like 1/3 as amazing as this women. Korea is an amazing place but I hadn't met anybody who I felt I could be really good friends with. soul connection type thing. this made me a bit lonely. I realize being here how important it is for me to have somebody to love and invest my love in. whether it's a child, friend, lover. I never want my heart to go to waste. (probably an infj thing) I get filled at work with all the children because they are so cute and loving to me but I do need adult contact.
Everyday I went to yoga I would walk in and there she would be with a big smile on her face. This always made my night. She was so nice. In a country and culture where smiling is never an expression made very much to strangers or anybody that isn't in your circle of family or friends, it was a pleasant surprise.
So I prayed about it and told God that this women is special and that it felt as if she was meant to be in my life though I didn't know how so whatever is meant to be I'll accept it.
the next week I was at yoga. doing terribly. lol. seriously you should see me try to do some of the poses. Afterwards, I was just laying on the mat meditating, praying, thinking, relaxing in the heat of the room and the ambient darkness. I heard my name. It was Amy. I sat up really quickly. she remembered my name? I was ecstatic but of course didn't show it. lol. She kneeled down really close to me and started speaking english. She asked me how I was, if I teach english here, how I like yoga. I felt so happy. I got butterflies in my stomach and this overwhelming sense of love and fullness. Did God move her to talk to me? She never said anything before. This is so random. As I sat there talking to her it was like I was lifted to a better place. euphoria really. I haven't felt this way. It reminded me of when we met with Mike King that one day. It was so beautiful. It was really small talk because her english is very elementary but it was like I understood everything she was saying and wanted to say. At times I wanted to put the words in her mouth but I knew that it was important for her to find her own words and speak english. So I just remained quiet and let her speak. She asked me if I wanted to have coffee with her and meet her friend.
I think I physically moved to a whole nother level. I mean I was the girl in high school who just got asked to prom by the hottest guy in the school.
I was speechless. me? the black girl with the weird hair? who am I? I'm just some random foreigner who sucks at yoga? I couldn't believe it. I said yes of course but that weekend I was already planning on going to anmyeondo island so I felt really bad and said... well next week I'm free. We were standing in the hallway at this point. talking about yoga and who her friends are and stuff. It was such easy conversation even with the language barrier. I felt as if she didn't want to leave my presence. I just sensed it. It was like she wanted to talk forever. I did too but in true me fashion started pulling away towards the locker room. I kind of kicked myself afterwards when I realized I did this. But I also knew that I put it in God's hands and not my own. So I said goodbye to her, took a shower, and went home. All night and the next day I was on cloud 9. but I hated that I had to wait two weeks to actually meet up her. So much can happen in two weeks.
So later on in the week I went and took my journal to a coffee shop and wrote. I wrote poetry about love and life and beauty. I haven't felt like writing much poetry since I've been here and I knew it was because of her that the words flowed out of me. and what she was awakening in me that made me feel alive. Again, I didn't know what the capacity of her in my life would be and how that would present itself but I knew that it was all in God's hands so I was blessed no matter what. the way I saw it, even if I never saw her again I'd be happy to have met somebody so amazing and someone who brought light to my heart again. My heart was so buried at home, and coming here it has opened and continues to grow like a flower. Amy is like the sun. giving me extra light to grow.
So I thought about her a lot, wrote lots of poetry, and thought about her some more. I couldn't understand why she was always in my mind. I kept on praying to God. why why why.
So sometime during the week I had a nightmare. I went to sleep and dreamed about satan, evil, darkness. I woke up at 4am with thoughts of worthlessness. terrible terrible thoughts about how nobody wants me, everybody wants to use me, I'll never be happy or make true friends. I woke up in the morning happy to go to work and be back in reality. I told my coworker and friend over lunch about this. She told me that it was the powers of darkness not wanting me to flourish and that satan is attacking what God has made beautiful and what God is making happen in my life when it comes to happiness. I asked her if she ever feels used here. (side note: many koreans hangout with americans only to practice their english so your basically used. Because of this, many americans never make friends with koreans) she said yes but her korean boyfriend and other koreans she's met have been really great people and that she doesn't know the answer to that. Just that I would know if I was being used. I thought about this and asked another one of my coworkers. He said that he doesn't make friends with koreans because their too timid to speak english or over the top. so I didn't have any answers. So I prayed more. God, what do I trust?
So two weeks pass. I'm at yoga wondering if Amy still wanted to hangout. I mean its been two weeks. maybe she forgot or something or had a change of heart. yoga ends and I see Amy walking out the door. I call her name. Really nervous like. She turns around with a big smile and kneels down to be close to me. I ask her about the weekend and if she wants to hangout with me? she gets really excited and says yes! I'm super excited of course. We go to the locker room to make official plans. A woman who does yoga is Australian Korean and can speak english so she comes over to interpret. All the ladies are staring at us. Our combination. black and korean is a very strange mix and everybody just stops and stares. It was awkward. Nobody understood me speaking english so it was okay I guess. The Aussie comes out from the showers and interprets for us. We make plans. Everything was going smoothly until the Aussie starts to tell me how to teach. ugh. she says, "you have to speak slow and correct her english..." ugh she kept going on. In my mind I'm like okay you can stop talking now I teach for a living. then her and Amy continued to talk and the aussie turns to me and is like, "well I was thinking about showing up and joining you guys but if I do she won't speak english." My heart dropped? did this just happen... did she just invite herself to hangout with us? I kinda laughed in my head like seriously?! luckily that never happened. so we made plans and she left to teach a class leaving with a big smile and I went home.
So fast forward to Saturday...
It was a beautiful day. I knew that God was going to show up. And he did.
The sun was shining and everything was perfect. I strolled to our meeting spot and stood there. I had to be early for my own sake. haha she comes running up like she was running late. All floaty and carefree. She introduces me to her friend and then we walk to a coffee shop. Its perfect. They buy me coffee (which I guess is proper etiquette for Korea) and we sit down. It was kinda awkward at the start because they were shy to talk and I didn't know what to say. They had their phones out and were on them. I didn't know why but later found out that they were using their dictionary. So, I asked the first question and thus the conversation began. It was so easy to talk to her and her friend. And the more we talked the more comfortable we got. We talked about american culture and korean culture. She told me that she does modern dance and studied dance in university. She told me that she has a young girl and a husband. They asked about me? What I liked to do? They told me why nobody smiles or shows affection in Korea. They said they liked how in america we hug all the time. I laughed at this and told them that I think its great they bow because it shows so much respect. but that I do miss hugs. I asked if she ever hugs her mother in law or her friends and she laughed NO! I would never hug them. I told her that hugging shows you care about someone and that I like hugs. She nodded and said she loves hugs too and wished more people hugged. We talked about yoga and we laughed really hard. Amy was like... yea, Rebekah has to use a towel for some of the stretches. I was SO embarrassed! I was like... yea, basically I'm terrible at yoga. Amy was like, Rebekah you are so much better than when you started! It's okay if its hard for you. We've been doing yoga for 12yrs! I told her that I'm jealous of her six pack and she laughs telling me she's jealous of my top half. I'm like... boobs suck sometimes. lol. They established that we are on the same level and that I can be informal with them. This is a great honor to be given. Most people who are in a friendship where they are the younger person are always the inferior one when it comes to decisions like where your going to eat. The older person will always choose the place and time. It's not really that strict it's just what happens out of respect. And this is friendships that have been for years. She is 38 korean age so korean culture says I need to put myself below her in many respects. So friendships take years before the even balance happens but for me it happened upon first meeting.
We talked about america. She loves that america is free. I think that is so true. Korea is so oppressed in many ways. Imagine, 1950s america. Women's duty was to her husband and kids and the man works. Women have little voice and their are very few outlets for divorce counseling, help in abusive relationships, abortion, birth control. All of these things that are so available in america and because of this, many shady things happen in korea but nobody talks about it. I realized that Amy is very progressive thinking and I loved our conversation. They told me some phrases in Korean and they helped teach me how to say the alphabet and read. (I feel like a baby. lol. trying to learn how to read) it's really hard to do. They make the gk and mw sound which is nothing I've heard or said before. In turn, they don't have the letter f and r in their alphabet and the letter t is really hard to pronounce for them so we both have difficulty but they try so hard its endearing.
So I know I am talking in facts, but above that, all our time together was amazing. She was very comfortable with me and she brought a lightness and love to our meeting. She enjoyed talking to me and really wanted to get to know me and where I'm from and culture. I in turn would ask similar questions and be fascinated when she said things that were so opposite of what I'm used to. God truly blessed our meeting time and our relationship. It was like we were on a different plane than the rest of the world. Her soul is so amazing and you can feel it radiating on you in her presence. Theres a lightness there. In my mind I feel like if there were angles in this world who show themselves as human, well that would be her.
You've mentioned meeting people like this in NYC so I know you completely get it. It's a nice feeling isn't it? I haven't met someone like this in years and still nothing compares to her. I mean, of the hundreds of thousands of people in this world I meet her. I realize how much of this was planned. I mean, of all the yoga places around where I live, and all the ones I went to and checked out, of all the Koreans I've met, of all the times I put off starting yoga... there are so many variables that it couldn't be chance that we met. I had been praying for months for a friendship that is deeper than the ocean and wider than the heavens and I think I've found it. I told God that I didn't want many friends that I half knew but just one who I can invest my love in. At first when I met Amy I thought maybe this would be a romantic thing. When I found out she was married and had a daughter I was a bit confused at this because again, I had no idea how Amy would be in my life. What I found is something so much bigger. I've found a deep friendship that is heaven sent and wonderful. I am so lucky and blessed. God heard my prayers and brought me a soul that has a heart like mine.
On Saturday, we met at 10am and didn't leave the coffee shop until 3pm. We met for five hours and it felt like maybe one hour. When I told my coworker Devon she was shocked. wow, how did you meet for five hours? and how did you have conversation with someone who doesn't speak english for that long and not go crazy? I had no answer and I still don't.
We were leaving the coffee shop and her friend took a left. I wanted to end my time with Amy so I went with her as she was heading to the right. Her friend was ready to go I could tell. You know, that intuition. But with Amy I didn't sense that.
So we started walking in the other direction. We get to the cross street and we stop. I asked her what she was going to do at home and she said go to the theater. It sounded like she was saying "see-ut-er" so I looked at her puzzled. "Seattle? I asked" she laughed. "No! see-ut-er." huh? I was confused. Then I got it. OH the theater?! she nodded. okay, its not sssss but th and t sounds. So there I am in the street teaching her pronunciation. She practices her phonics sounds like there is nobody else but us. meanwhile, everybody is passing us and watching us. the usual stares for me but she must have sensed it. black and korean talking. hmmm? that's strange. She didn't care. and we stand there and we talk for another thirty minutes or more. Time just stopped. Whatever she had to do didn't matter only me and her. I got that same feeling I had before where it felt like she wanted to talk forever. This time I didn't fight it and let us just go and we did. We continued having deep conversation as the people passed by us and the crossing sign kept turning to red and green and red again. It was like it was out of a movie. As we were saying goodbye it was as if pulling away was hard for both of us. It had been five hours at this point and we were still talking. It felt as if our hearts were attached by string and our souls didn't want to part. this feeling was so powerful and she felt it too. maybe even stronger with her than me. She goes to touch my hand out of cultural respect and I pull her in close and I hug her. So there we are standing in the street with people passing and staring and time just stops. We hug for what feels like forever as if she didn't want to let me go. It was as if she had never been properly hugged before. Everything in my being melted. We parted and she was radiating. I gave her a big smile and said... we'll do this again next Saturday. I walked away and she crossed the street. I didn't want to look back. And as we parted, our string began to stretch. I still feel a connection to her as I sit here writing as if our string is still connected. intertwining as our worlds are so far apart and vastly different.
And this is our friendship. One that surpasses the barriers of language and the boundaries of this world. I am so blessed. God truly brought me this person who has changed my life. And I couldn't ask for me. I know that every moment we are together, God is there, holding the string that connects us.
And that's the end of the story...
or really the start of the story of Amy and I
A story that I hope will continue to write itself
Reaching out to you from the stars... -R
